Liana.This lacks the formality required for an analysis. I'm looking for a far dryer prose style. You need to be far more clinical in your writing. I we take your opening sentence as an example you wrote'The clip starts with looking at the ethnicity of black people, portrayed in two different ways. The two characters could be describe as binary opposites because they are so different to each other, it shows one guy called Benjamin, who works for the hotel, as someone who doesn't want to get involved with the things he did in his past, in effect he has turned his life around and become a 'respectable person'.The style you need to adopt is "The sequence opens with a long shot of an afro carribean man serving an elderly gentleman by the side of the pool. As he walks away he adopts what could be stereotypically termed as a camp walk, this could be seen as reinforcing negative stereotypes about males in domestic service. A smooth tracking shot is used to reflect the calm nature of the hotel, this 'calmness' is broken by the quick editing used to portray another afro carribean male exiting the pool. The two characters could be describe as binary opposites because they are so different to each other, one is smartly dressed in a formal suit whilst the other is wearing guady bermuda shorts...'and so on and so forth.What you write is sound, but to get the B's and A's you need to marry your insight with the colder written style above.Finally, we have a school magazine called Fusion (I know it's not a brilliant title) and how would you fancy writing something for it. Perhaps something to do with the more 'odd' aspects of life that you write about in your 'all about me' post at the start. Or you could just do creative writing.
Liana.
ReplyDeleteThis lacks the formality required for an analysis. I'm looking for a far dryer prose style. You need to be far more clinical in your writing. I we take your opening sentence as an example you wrote
'The clip starts with looking at the ethnicity of black people, portrayed in two different ways. The two characters could be describe as binary opposites because they are so different to each other, it shows one guy called Benjamin, who works for the hotel, as someone who doesn't want to get involved with the things he did in his past, in effect he has turned his life around and become a 'respectable person'.
The style you need to adopt is "The sequence opens with a long shot of an afro carribean man serving an elderly gentleman by the side of the pool. As he walks away he adopts what could be stereotypically termed as a camp walk, this could be seen as reinforcing negative stereotypes about males in domestic service. A smooth tracking shot is used to reflect the calm nature of the hotel, this 'calmness' is broken by the quick editing used to portray another afro carribean male exiting the pool. The two characters could be describe as binary opposites because they are so different to each other, one is smartly dressed in a formal suit whilst the other is wearing guady bermuda shorts...'
and so on and so forth.
What you write is sound, but to get the B's and A's you need to marry your insight with the colder written style above.
Finally, we have a school magazine called Fusion (I know it's not a brilliant title) and how would you fancy writing something for it. Perhaps something to do with the more 'odd' aspects of life that you write about in your 'all about me' post at the start. Or you could just do creative writing.